I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
sry
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
yeah 😭
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on