Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
this has to be peak English
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home