Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
You Might Also Like
I’m sure it’s fine.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Nothing to do, you say?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.