CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
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Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Nose
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again