The “baby” on the left….
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
If you love someone, let them tweet.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.