I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My zodiac sign is pistachio
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.