It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Get in loser we’re going crying
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.