Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Breaking news:
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.