At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
subtitles are so good nowadays
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.