The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Matt Goss
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.