I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Maths meets science
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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