Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Ha
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.