WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Got him!
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home