My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
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[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
road rage
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Any refunds available?…
Me irl
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense