What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
You Might Also Like
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk