My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Always
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.