guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
What about a To-Don’t List?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.