*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.