If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
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I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
lmao
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.