Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube