My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”