*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
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I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir