It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
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I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Weirdos gonna weird.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”