Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
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I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here