I’m a bad influence on myself.
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.