12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.