I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?