just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
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I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
How actors in movies eat their food
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
choose your gary
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”