just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Buying a well is money well spent.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me