I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?