Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.