there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
He’s dead
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.