*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
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That lamp looks PISSED.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!