Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
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STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Good morning, Twitter x
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.