GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Word!
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”