“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*orders delivery*
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
*seductively corrects your posture*
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Noah
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
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