So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
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YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
peep davidson
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history