i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
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So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Solving a traffic jam
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Thank you corporation very cool
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.