Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime