Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.