Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
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friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.