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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?