my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.