to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS