A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.