me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.