*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I saw this ending much differently.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks