If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
This kid is going places
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.