*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Happy Star Wars day!
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits