I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
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*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen